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  1. #101
    Penguin of trust elija's Avatar
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    IBM:

    Institute of Black Magicians
    It's Broken Mate
    It's Being Mended
    It's Bloody Minded

    ICL: It's coming Later

    COBOL: COmplete BOLlocks

    The best Oxymoron ever: Microsoft Works
    What do we want?
    Time machines!

    When do we want 'em?
    Doesn't really matter does it!?


    The Fifth Continent

  2. #102
    Linux Enthusiast cousinlucky's Avatar
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    Thank you, Devils Casper! They are very, very funny.
    PCLinuxOS Gnome and PCLinuxOS Mate
    Linux user # 414321
    You Should Not Give In To Evils, But Proceed Ever More Boldly Against Them!! -from book six of Virgil's Aeneid
    Everything Within The Universe Is Related; We Are All Cousins!!

  3. #103
    Linux Guru D-cat's Avatar
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    LOTUS: Let Only The User Suffer

  4. #104
    Penguin of trust elija's Avatar
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    A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of his fine young specimen.

    "You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of."

    "Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the handsome young man.

    "I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent.

    "Sir?"

    "Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your name."

    "Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason."

    "If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you young man."

    "Then I bid you farewell -- my name will not change." With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return.

    Five Years Later: The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars! He read the letter:

    Dear Sir: Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left your office. However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and endeavored to change my name. Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide.

    Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth and fame.

    Very Sincerely Yours,

    Dick Van Dyke
    What do we want?
    Time machines!

    When do we want 'em?
    Doesn't really matter does it!?


    The Fifth Continent

  5. #105
    Linux Enthusiast cousinlucky's Avatar
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    Very nice, Elija!
    PCLinuxOS Gnome and PCLinuxOS Mate
    Linux user # 414321
    You Should Not Give In To Evils, But Proceed Ever More Boldly Against Them!! -from book six of Virgil's Aeneid
    Everything Within The Universe Is Related; We Are All Cousins!!

  6. #106
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    Q: What is Windows?

    A: 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8
    bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor,
    written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

    If God had inteded man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.


    "User error. Replace user and press any key..."

    *If Micro$oft is the answer it must have been a silly Question*

    The box said "Windows 95,NT 4.0,or better."
    >So I installed LINUX !

    Q: Should i seel my modem i cant get it to work.?

    A: Hell no! Self defeatism is never the right answer. Ripping out the
    hardware and forcing it to obey you is. Works best if you keep a
    Windows CD handy to threaten it with. HTH!


    "Computers are like air conditionners - they stop working properly when
    you open Windows"


    (true story)
    Bill Gates: If GM (General Motors) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty five dollar cars that got 1000 miles/gallon.
    General Motors: Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?
    Linux Registered User # 475019
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  7. #107
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    Every Sunday afternoon everyone in the neighborhood would meet at the nearby cross roads and country store to compare their weekend catches. Everyone had normal size fish except this one old farmer who had always brought in huge fish. The game warden heard about this and showed up one Sunday afternoon. After inspecting the old farmers fish, he turned to the farmer and said "If you don't show me your fishing spot , I'm going to have to close you down." The farmer replied by telling him to come out to the farm in the morning and he would take him fishing. The next morning the game warden shows up with his pole and the farmer tells him to climb onto the tractor. They head out into this big field until they come to a little pond. The warden is scratching his head because all he sees is a rotten old skiff, when he expected a large lake and something closer to a yacht. The farmer said to get in and they start rowing out to the middle. About this time the warden notices that there are no fishing poles. As he is about to say something, the farmer reaches into a box and pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and throws it into the pond. After the water and smoke settle, he paddles around picking up the fish. The warden's jaw is on the deck. He can't talk for a minute. When he finds his voice, he starts in on the farmer about how he can't believe what just happened and starts screaming to the farmer about all the regulations he has broken. While this is taking place the farmer calmly reaches into the box grabs another stick of dynamite, lights it, hands it to the warden and asks him if he is going to fish or talk.
    Linux Registered User # 475019
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  8. #108
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked. The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well."

    David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left.

    The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked David, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?"

    "Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix."

    "Hmm," thought David. It seemed that the fish in this lake would require a little more effort than normal. He left, willing to give the lake one more try.

    On the third day, David still had no luck. As was usual, there was yet another man near him bringing in fish left and right. David wanted to confirm what he already knew. "Excuse me sir, but are you a doctor?"

    "No, I am a Rabbi." replied the man.
    Linux Registered User # 475019
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  9. #109
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    A Truckload of Penguins

    ImageA truckload of penguins breaks down on the freeway on a hot summer day.

    The truckdriver sees a blonde construction manager driving up in a company Suburban, so he asks the CM, "Is this car air conditioned?" The construction manager says, "Sure is".

    So the truckdriver says "I'll give you $100 to take these penguins to the zoo."

    Off goes the CM and the penguins. About three hours later, the CM comes back with the car-load of penguins all wearing 3-D glasses.

    The truckdriver looks at the penguins in disbelief and yells, "I gave you $100 to take those penguins to the zoo!!!"

    The CM replies, "I did. But we had money left over so we went to a movie,
    Linux Registered User # 475019
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  10. #110
    Linux Engineer Freston's Avatar
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    A truckdriver delivering a truckload full of computer equipment in silicon valley stops at a little roadside restaurant. Above the door is a big sign 'no geeks allowed'

    The truckdriver goes in and sets himself at a table. The waitress is suspicious of him though, and she asks him "you smell like computer equipment, you're not a geek are you?"
    "No no", the truckdriver explains, "I'm just delivering equipment".

    A few minutes later, the truckdriver sees a couple of nerds with glasses and pencil cases coming in. Without a word, the waitress pulls a gun and *bang* *bang* shoots the geeks in cold blood.

    The truckdriver doesn't know what to make of this. "What's going on here?" He asks the waitress. "Well, they are a real plague around these parts" she explains, "you don't even need a license".

    So, after he finishes his meal and pays his bill, the truckdriver is off. But, not soon after, a particularly deceptive bend in the road causes his truck to flip over. The trailer breaks open, and all the computer equipment falls out. Sure enough, within seconds geekish types are all over the place examining the equipment and taking what they can. The truckdriver doesn't say a word, pulls his gun and starts shooting them one by one.

    A patrol car arrives on the site, and the officer walks straight to the truckdriver and handcuffs him. "Why?" the truckdriver asks "it's legal to shoot geeks ain't it?"

    "Yeah, shooting them is legal, but you're not allowed to use bait"
    Can't tell an OS by it's GUI

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