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~ BREAKING NEWS ~ In 2009 the Government will be deporting all of the weird people. I started crying when I thought of you. RUN, my friend, RUN!!! (Well, what ...
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  1. #31
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    ~ BREAKING NEWS ~

    In 2009 the Government will be deporting all of the weird people.

    I started crying when I thought of you.

    RUN, my friend, RUN!!!

    (Well, what can I say, someone sent it to me, and I know I won't be going alone!)
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  2. #32
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
    A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
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  3. #33
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    No Fear

    One Sunday an old biker walks into church and sits down in the front row. As the preacher is beginning his sermon, the devil suddenly appears at the altar. The members of the congregation, including the preacher himself, flee the church in terror, all except for this one old biker in the front row.

    The devil notices this one biker still in the church and walks down from the altar to confront him. He roars at the man, "Do you know who I am?"

    "Why of course I know who you are," the man calmly replies. "You're Satan."

    "And you're not afraid of me like the others?" the devil asks somewhat miffed.

    To which the biker replies, "No. Why should I be? I've been married to your sister for the last 25 years."
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  4. #34
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    Shut up I hack you

    Alright, this is by far one of my favoritest[sic] computer stories ev-or. I provide a link (HERE), but for convenience I cut/paste, too:
    In case you don't speak German (just as this hacker), I've tried a little translation to English. I might have made some spelling errors, but the original spelling wasn't perfect either. The guy really said "buy buy" in the German version.

    For information:

    * The dangerous hacker is called *****checker and the one being hacked and original author of the comments, who is talking here, is known as Elch.
    * 127.0.0.1 is always the IP address of the computer you're currently using; any request there will return to your computer.
    * Notice that in Germany we get Daylight Savings Time (DST) earlier than in the US.

    The story starts (I'm shortcutting here) with a kid insulting everyone on the #stopHipHop IRC channel. Most people there believed it was rather funny, but it got even more funny...
    * *****checker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
    * *****checker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
    <*****checker> why do you kick me
    <*****checker> can't you discus normally
    <*****checker> answer!
    <Elch> we didn't kick you
    <Elch> you had a ping timeout: * *****checker (~java@euirc-a97f9137.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)
    <*****checker> what ping man
    <*****checker> the timing of my pc is right
    <*****checker> i even have dst
    <*****checker> you banned me
    <*****checker> amit it you son of a *****
    <HopperHunter|afk> LOL
    <HopperHunter|afk> **** you're stupid, DST^^
    <*****checker> shut your mouth WE HAVE DST!
    <*****checker> for two weaks already
    <*****checker> when you start your pc there is a message from windows that DST is applied.
    <Elch> You're a real computer expert
    <*****checker> shut up i hack you
    <Elch> ok, i'm quiet, hope you don't show us how good a hacker you are ^^
    <*****checker> tell me your network number man then you're dead
    <Elch> Eh, it's 129.0.0.1
    <Elch> or maybe 127.0.0.1
    <Elch> yes exactly that's it: 127.0.0.1 I'm waiting for you great attack
    <*****checker> in five minutes your hard drive is deleted
    <Elch> Now I'm frightened
    <*****checker> shut up you'll be gone
    <*****checker> i have a program where i enter your ip and you're dead
    <*****checker> say goodbye
    <Elch> to whom?
    <*****checker> to you man
    <*****checker> buy buy
    <Elch> I'm shivering thinking about such great Hack0rs like you
    * *****checker (~java@euirc-61a2169c.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

    What happened is clear: That guy entered his own IP address in his mighty Hack-Tool and crashed his own PC. This way, the attack on my PC was a failure.

    I was already starting to think that I did not have to worry, but a good hacker never calls it a day. Two minutes later he returned.
    * *****checker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
    <*****checker> dude be happy my pc crashed otherwise you'd be gone
    <Metanot> lol
    <Elch> *****checker: Then try hacking me again... I still have the same IP: 127.0.0.1
    <*****checker> you're so stupid man
    <*****checker> say buy buy
    <Metanot> ah, [Please control your cussing] off
    <*****checker> buy buy elch
    * *****checker (~java@euirc-b5cd558e.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

    There was a tension in the room... Would he manage, after these two failures, to crash my PC? I waited. Nothing happened. I felt relieve...

    Six minutes passed by until he prepared the next wave of attack. Being a Hacker, who usually cracks whole data centers, he knew what his problem was now.
    * *****checker (~java@euirc-9ff3c180.dip.t-dialin.net) has joined #stopHipHop
    <*****checker> elch you son of a *****
    <Metanot> *****checker how old are you?
    <Elch> What's up *****checker?
    <*****checker> you have a frie wal
    <*****checker> fire wall
    <Elch> maybe, i don't know
    <*****checker> i'm 26
    <Metanot> such behaviour with 26?
    <Elch> how did you find out that I have a firewall?
    <Metanot> tststs this is not very nice missy
    <*****checker> because your gay fire wall directed my turn off signal back to me
    <*****checker> be a man turn that **** off
    <Elch> cool, didn't know this was possible.
    <*****checker> thn my virus destroys your pc man
    <Metanot> are you hacking yourselves?
    <Elch> yes *****checker is trying to hack me
    <Metanot> he *****checker if you're a hacker you have to get around a firewall even i can do that
    <*****checker> yes man i hack the elch but the sucker has a fire wall the
    <Metanot> what firewall do you have?
    <*****checker> like a girl
    <Metanot> firewall is normal a normal hacker has to be able to get past it...you girl^^
    <He> ***** give yourself a jackson and chill you're letting them provoce you and give those little girls new material all the time
    <*****checker> turn the firewall off then i send you a virus [Please control your cussing]er
    <Elch> Noo
    <Metanot> he *****checker why turn it off, you should turn it off
    <*****checker> you're afraid
    <*****checker> i don't wanna hack like this if he hides like a girl behind a fire wall
    <*****checker> elch turn off your **** wall!
    <Metanot> i wanted to say something about this, do you know the definition of hacking??? if he turns of the firewall that's an invitation and that has nothing to do with hacking
    <*****checker> shut up
    <Metanot> lol
    <*****checker> my grandma surfs with fire wall
    <*****checker> and you suckers think you're cool and don't dare going into the internet without a fire wall

    He calls me girly and says only his grandma would use a firewall. I know that elder people are much more intelligent then younger, but I couldn't let that rest. To see whether he really is a good hacker I lie and let everything as it is. I don't have a firewall at all, only my router.
    <Elch> *****checker, a collegue showed me how to turn the firewall off. Now you can try again
    <Metanot> *****hacker can't hack
    <Black<TdV>> nice play on words ^^
    <*****checker> wort man
    <Elch> *****checker: I'm still waiting for your attack!
    <Metanot> how many times again he is no hacker
    <*****checker> man do you want a virus
    <*****checker> tell me your ip and it deletes your hard drive
    <Metanot> lol ne give it up i'm a hacker myself and i know how hackers behave and i can tell you 100.00% you're no hacker..^^
    <Elch> 127.0.0.1
    <Elch> it's easy
    <*****checker> lolololol you so stupid man you'll be gone
    <*****checker> and are the first files being deleted
    <Elch> mom...
    <Elch> i'll take a look

    In panic I started the Windows Explorer, my heart beating faster. Had I under-estimated him?
    <*****checker> don't need to rescue you can't son of a *****
    <Elch> that's bad
    <*****checker> elch you idiout your hard drive g: is deleted
    <Elch> yes, there's nothing i can do about it
    <*****checker> and in 20 seconds f: is gone

    Yes, true, G: and F: were gone. Did I ever have them? Doesn't matter, I did not have time to think, I was scared. *****checker was comforting me with a music tip.
    <*****checker> tupac rules
    <*****checker> elch you son of a ***** your f: is gone and e: too

    Drive E Oh my god... All the games are there! And the vacation pictures! I instantly take a look. Everything still there. But the hacker said it was deleted....

    Or isn't it happening on my computer?
    <*****checker> and d: is at 45% you idiot lolololol
    <He> why doesn't meta say anything
    <Elch> he's probably rolling on the floor laughing
    <Black<TdV>> ^^
    <*****checker> your d: is gone
    <He> go on *****

    The guy is good: My CD-drive is allegedly deleted! *****checker turned my ancient disk sucker into a burner! But how did he do this? I'll have to ask him. Some encourage him. He himself is giving advice how to avoid the disaster on my hard drives.
    <*****checker> elch man you're so stupid never give your ip on the internet
    <*****checker> i'm already at c: 30 percent

    Should I tell him he's not attacking my computer?
    * *****checker (~java@euirc-9ff3c180.dip.t-dialin.net) Quit (Ping timeout#)

    Too late... It's 20:22 when we get the last message of our hacker with the alias "*****checker". We see that he has a "Ping timeout".

    We haven't seen him since then... must be the Daylight Saving Time.

  5. #35
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    Lololololol
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  6. #36
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    A biker's greatest achievement was his brood of six kids. He was so proud
    that he continually called his wife: Mother of Six, which pissed her off a
    lot. But he kept referring to her as Mother of Six no matter where they
    went.

    At end of a poker run, he shouted across the bar, "Hey, Mother of Six, you
    ready to go home?"

    His irritated wife screamed back: "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
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  7. #37
    Penguin of trust elija's Avatar
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    Many of you are familiar with the joke that there are 10 kinds of people, those that know binary number system and those that don't... this is a chat recording between me and a guy who falls into the latter category who didn't get the joke when I had it as my Away Message... now posted here for your amusement!
    Yes, I know I am a real bastard sometimes.
    1+1=10 woo math!
    ME=me DF=dumb friend

    DF: are their 9 type's of binary or what
    DF: because I never waisted my time to learn

    ME: no just 10 kinds of people

    DF: well your joke only has two types
    DF: see what meaning does it have

    ME: yeah, 10 kinds of people
    ME: that's the joke
    ME: there are 10 types of people: 1 group understands binary, and the other doesn't

    DF: so you have to say there are 9 other groups of people who do not understand. Is this a racial joke or a stupid joke?
    DF: So the first thing that comes to my mind is that this has some type of racial thing behind it.
    DF: so what exactly are the other 9 groups?

    ME: what nine groups? there are only 10

    DF: only 10 one of them knows binary and the other 9 do not. so what are the other 9?
    DF: and it cant be "only" if there are more than the first # I gave you.

    ME: where did this "9" thing come from?

    DF: well the nine are the remainder

    ME: There are only 10 kinds of people

    DF: okay what are they

    ME: there is one kind that understands, and one that doesn't which makes 10 groups

    DF: okay you see you are missing what I am pointing at. yes 1 type knows binary but can you tell me what type of groups the other 9 are made up of.

    ME: what other nine? there is only one group that doesn't know binary

    DF: then what the hell did you start with 10 for. It makes no sense. you could have said yeah only one guy out of 10 knows Binary and that would be more understandable. But no you had to make it all crazy and out there

    ME: woah chill dude, its completely logical

    DF: you could have said yeah there are 2 kinds of people those who know binary and those who dont
    DF: Well I see that but it was stupid logic

    ME: you have 1 group that knows binary, and 1 group that doesn't, which gives you 10 groups

    DF: no
    DF: actually that gives you 2 groups

    ME: yeah, 10 groups

    DF: wait a minute read what you just said. isnt that a math error on your part

    ME: no

    DF: because 1+1 does not equal 10
    DF: at least not in my text book

    ME: yes it does!

    DF: what the @#$%
    DF: you are the one making math errors
    DF: I can see a group of nine and a group of one adding up to 10 but that is just dumb to say because the joke is dumb to start with

    ME: well nine plus one doesn't make 10


    DF: what
    DF:maybe in that binary crap but in my book it does

    ME: sorry, let me rephrase that, 1001 + 1 /= 10

    DF: okay like I said it is in Binary

    ME: nine plus one doesn't equal two

    DF: See I will never deal with that because no where in my life will it come up that I will HAVE to know it
    DF: I will get teaching in more important things such as business, government politics, and science
    DF: not some stupid code
    DF:gosh we can sit here and argue about this for hoiurs
    hours

    ME: gee and what code serves as the basis for the world's telecommunications network?
    ME: on which all business, government and science relies?

    DF: well I do not know or care because I just push some buttons on my phone and it calls people
    DF: no not actually
    DF: if I want I can have a guy on horse back ride my letter across country
    see I do not need to depend on it

    ME: the Pony Express went bankrupt due to the telegraph you know

    DF: I do
    DF: but if I want to I can still get a bum to do it
    DF: by promising money at the end and maybe some beer
    What do we want?
    Time machines!

    When do we want 'em?
    Doesn't really matter does it!?


    The Fifth Continent

  8. #38
    Linux Enthusiast cousinlucky's Avatar
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    Rokytnji I'm going to hurt myself from laughing, great stuff!!
    PCLinuxOS Gnome and PCLinuxOS Mate
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    You Should Not Give In To Evils, But Proceed Ever More Boldly Against Them!! -from book six of Virgil's Aeneid
    Everything Within The Universe Is Related; We Are All Cousins!!

  9. #39
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    The old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.
    "Howdy, stranger..."

    "Howdy, Sheriff..."

    The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss were the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, and stepped up on the walk and aimed towards the swinging doors of the saloon. "Hold on there, Mister..."

    "Sheriff?"

    "Did I just see what I think I just saw?"

    "Reckon you did, Sheriff...I got me some powerful chapped lips..."

    "And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked."

    Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' em.
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  10. #40
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
    Man: What's the problem officer?
    Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
    Man: No sir, I was going 65.
    Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
    (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
    Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
    Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
    Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
    (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
    Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
    Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
    Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
    Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
    Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
    Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
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