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One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on ...
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  1. #41
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.
    Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.
    The results showed a reading of 0.0.
    The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
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  2. #42
    Penguin of trust elija's Avatar
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    The current crisis is requiring a re-definition of some words

    LIQUIDITY: When you look at your investments and wet your pants
    What do we want?
    Time machines!

    When do we want 'em?
    Doesn't really matter does it!?


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  3. #43
    Linux Enthusiast cousinlucky's Avatar
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    As soon as I get home and put my stuff away I have to turn on my computer to get my " joke fix " on LinuxForums!! Great stuff, gentlemen!
    PCLinuxOS Gnome and PCLinuxOS Mate
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  4. #44
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    A father came in the bedroom to find his 13-year-old daughter smoking a cigarette. "My God! How long have you been smoking?" screams the father.

    "Since I lost my virginity," replies the girl.

    "You lost your VIRGINITY!!! When the hell did this happen?" shrieks the father.

    "I don't remember," says the girl. "I was completely drunk."
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  5. #45
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    It's hard for me to post my knowledge of Biker related jokes because of the x-rated content.

    Just Say NO!

    A ten year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle, pulls up beside him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?"

    "No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid,, I'll give you $10 if you hop on the back"

    "NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker.

    The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "Ok kid, I'll give you $20 and a BIG bag of candy if you hop on the back for a ride."

    At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the Honda, so YOU ride it!!
    Linux Registered User # 475019
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  6. #46
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    Old one but good one

    A man from the city is out plowing his field and gets his tractor stuck in the wet ground.

    A farmer driving by stops his truck and walks to the fence to call over the city feller. You need a mule to plow such wet ground he says.

    "Where can I buy one?" he is asked.

    Well, I just happened to have one for 100 dollars he says.

    "I'll take him," says the other man as he counts out the money.

    I can't bring him over today. I don't work on Sunday morrow OK?

    "Sure."

    The next day the truck pulls up and the old farmer gets out. He says, "sorry, bad news."

    I went out after breakfeast and the mule was dead.

    The city feller says just give me my money back then.

    "Can't, spent it already!"

    "Well... unload the mule then."

    "What ya gonna do with him?"

    "Raffle him off!"

    "Naw, ya cant raffle off a dead mule!"

    "Just watch me us! City fellers know a few tricks."

    One month goes by and the city feller and farmer run into each other at the barber shop.

    "What did ya do with that dead mule?"

    "Raffled him off, sold 100 tickets at two dollars each and made 98 dollars profit."

    "Didn't anyone complain?"

    "Just one guy so I gave him his two dollars back!
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  7. #47
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    Linux Registered User # 475019
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  8. #48
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    little old granny!
    A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.


    If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

    She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,


    'I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son.'

    He answered, 'That's okay.'

    'I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.'

    She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of
    the store, The man called out, 'Goodbye, Mom.'

    The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

    Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he
    went to pay for his Groceries.

    'That comes to $121.85,' said the clerk.

    'How come so much? I only bought 5 items..'

    The clerk replied,

    'Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too.'



    Don't trust little Old Ladies!!
    Linux Registered User # 475019
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  9. #49
    Linux Enthusiast cousinlucky's Avatar
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    Do I detect some New York city scams? Gret stuff, Rokytnji!
    PCLinuxOS Gnome and PCLinuxOS Mate
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  10. #50
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    rofl...i love jokes...I am at work and trying not to laugh out loud on the phone!! Thanks for the smiles! and letting other people here read them as well!

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