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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, ...
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  1. #51
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    It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

    The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

    The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "Okay, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

    The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

    Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "Oh my God, I was riding the mare!"

  2. #52
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    Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

    There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

    What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

    Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

    If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

    Talk slowly, think quickly.

    There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence.

  3. #53
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    On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

    To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

  4. $spacer_open
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  5. #54
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    A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

    The farmer said, "That's once."

    A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

    The farmer said, "That's twice."

    After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

    The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

    His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

    The farmer said, "That's once."

  6. #55
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    A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

    Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

    The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?

    The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

  7. #56
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    A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

    "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

    "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

  8. #57
    Administrator MikeTbob's Avatar
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    Conan goes to work for UPS

    I do not respond to private messages asking for Linux help, Please keep it on the forums only.
    All new users please read this.** Forum FAQS. ** Adopt an unanswered post.

    I'd rather be lost at the lake than found at home.

  9. #58
    Penguin of trust elija's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by MikeTbob View Post
    I was expecting "The Barbarian"

    The three stages in the sex life of man?

    1. Tri-weekly
    2. Try weekly
    3. Try weakly!

    "I used to be with it, then they changed what it was.
    Now what was it isn't it, and what is it is weird and scary to me.
    It'll happen to you too."

    Grandpa Simpson



    The Fifth Continent

  10. #59
    Penguin of trust elija's Avatar
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    You are on the bus when you suddenly realise you need to pass wind.
    The music is really loud, so you release in time with the beat. After a
    couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

    As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's
    when you remember:






    you've been listening to your ipod.
    "I used to be with it, then they changed what it was.
    Now what was it isn't it, and what is it is weird and scary to me.
    It'll happen to you too."

    Grandpa Simpson



    The Fifth Continent

  11. #60
    Penguin of trust elija's Avatar
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    "I used to be with it, then they changed what it was.
    Now what was it isn't it, and what is it is weird and scary to me.
    It'll happen to you too."

    Grandpa Simpson



    The Fifth Continent

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