jokes / funny stuff thread

[elija]

So I'll start it...

This made me laugh

Internet Explorer is Better Because… | LinuxHaxor.net

[Freston]

@Elija: I could make a lot more pictures of Windows errors if it was possible to make a screenshot of a machine doing nothing for half a minute for no reason whatsoever.


But then, I found this one quite funny:
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed
from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed
upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of
the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of
the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the
second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other
means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party
of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered
non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall
have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner
consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes.
Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in
step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the
first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to
produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.

[rokytnji]

And I say again, With some extras added

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female - A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male - Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shun) n.:
Female - The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male - Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

VULNERABLE (vul -ne-ra-bull) adj.:
Female - Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male - Playing football without a cup.

THINGY (thing-ee) n.:
Female - Any part under a car's hood (bonnet).
Male - The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

[rokytnji]

My 2nd offering,

What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a sh** -head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[Freston]

[quote="rokytnji"What Do Retired People Do All Day?[/quote]
ROFL

Oh and from the writer of BOFH, the bloke advisor *reader discretion advised*

[rokytnji]

Something I wrote in a post, trying to describe life in a technological way. (Described Like I was using Windows)

After running wife 1.0 for over 18 years and watching subprograms son 1.0 and son 2.0 mature into full running operating systems of their own, wife 1.0 decided to upgrade husband hardware Harley Biker,USMC ram ,6'7" 300 lb. harddrive with Truckdriver,CDL ram,5'10" 260lb hardrive. Going with the smaller unit overloaded the system and crashed within months. I had upgraded to wife 2.0 but only after 30 to 45 days found That I wasn't happy with the O\S and had a legal tech wipe out the program. Did a clean install of Wife 3.0 after rigorous research into compatibility issues, (Harleys,Drinking,Camping,Loyalty,Response Times,and Game Play). After running wife 3.0 now for 13 years I have yet to find an operating system to beat it. No new upgraded O/S or updates for me. Sometimes even with the costs and pain of getting rid of a trusted tried and true program does lead to better things and results. Just depends on how adventurous one is

Also in reply to Hidden operating files from wife 1.0 and 2.0 showing up. Yeas these programs would try to pop up over the years to see if I would give them another go and promised that bug fixes and updates had resolved their abrupt crashes and freezes. But wife 3.0 comes with built in anti-spyware, anti-virus,anti-malware, and a good version of WINPATROL that alerts the system when a registry change is about to be made and treats hidden files and outside threats of wife 1.0 and 2.0 as Viral,Malware threats and deletes them before they can infect the system.

[rokytnji]

Last one.

A
> Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to
> see that his bed was nicely made and everything was
> picked up.
>
> Then she saw an envelope, propped up
> prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom'
> With the worst premonition she opened the envelope with
> trembling hands and
> read the letter.
>
>
> Dear Mom:
>
> It is
> with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had
> to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to
> avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real
> passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you
> would not approve of her because of all her piercings,
> tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she
> is much older than I am. But it's not only the
> passion...?? Mom she's pregnant. Stacy said
> that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
> woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
> We share a dream of having many more children.
>
>
> Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that
> marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing
> it for ourselves and trading it with the other people
> that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the
> meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for
> AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't
> worry Mom. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
> Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that
> you can get to know your grandchildren.
>
> Love,
>
> Your Son Paul
>
>
> P.S. Mom, none of the above
> is true. I'm over at Dustin's house. I just wanted to
> remind you that there are worse things in life than the
> report card that's in my center desk drawer.
>
> I
> love you.
> Call me when it's safe to come
> home

[daffyduc]

Last one.

Call me when it's safe to come home

AHAHAHAHAHA




>>Date: Thu, 18 May 2000 16:14:25 -0700 (PDT)
>>From: Merton Campbell Crockett <mcc@TO.GD-ES.COM>
>>To: BSDI Users List <bsdi-users@mailinglists.org>
>>Subject: Fwd: UNIX VIRUS - HONOR SYSTEM
>>
>>
>>
>> >YOU HAVE NOW RECEIVED THE UNIX VIRUS!!!
>> >
>> >This virus works on the honor system.
>> >
>> >If you're running a variant of unix or linux, please forward this
>> >message to everyone you know and delete a bunch of your own files at
>> >random.
>> >
>>
>>At last, a chance to have the same experiences as the "click and drool"
>>crowd.
>>
>>

[elija]

What Do Retired People Do All Day?

ROFL and a

Two guys went to a petrol pump that was holding a contest: A chance to win free sex when you filled your tank with petrol. They pumped their petrol and proceed to pay the attendant and asked about the contest.

"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," the attendant said. "if you guess right, you win free sex."

"ok," agreed one of the guys and said, "I guess seven."

"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.

The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.

"Two", said the second guy.

"Sorry. it's three," said the attendant, "Come back and try again."

As they walked out to their car, one of them said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."

"NO WAY!" said his buddy, "my wife won twice last week.

[elija]

And another one

A girls first time
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.





You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.




Now be honest - who has a dirty mind?