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Thread: jokes / funny stuff thread 2011
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- Join Date
- Nov 2010
I needed this : -)
An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"Registered Linux user #526930
The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).
In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 persent shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changed are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
Ze drem vil finali kum tru!
Stop! Or My Mom WIll Shoot!
Get out of the car!.jpg
I'm still ROTFL Hahaha!
EDIT: Sorry, this was meant for the jokes and funny stuffs thread. Mods, kindly transfer please. Thanks!nujinini
Linux User #489667
Beware of Southern Grandmas
In a Trial. A Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness. A grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and
asked, "Do you know me?"
She responded, "Why yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since a little
boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your
wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you are a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The prosecuting attorney was stunned. Not knowing what else to do. He pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why yes. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too.
He's lazy,bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal
relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire
state. Not to mention, he has cheated on his wife with 3 different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."
The Defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet
voice said, " If either one of you idiots ask if she knows me. I'm sending
you both to the electric chair."
Now you know why I like Southern Women.