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Thread: jokes / funny stuff thread 2011
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- Join Date
- Nov 2011
That's a keeper! Welcome aboard pentopad.
- Join Date
- Nov 2011
Thank you very much. I'm having a blast learning Linux & surfing the forum. 'Preciate the welcome.
A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.
The company president walks over to reward the volunteers. "What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group. The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix the f*cking brakes on that truck."
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".
Thank You, Mike for putting a smile and grin upon my face! New brakes is a real winner.PCLinuxOS Gnome and PCLinuxOS Mate
Linux user # 414321
You Should Not Give In To Evils, But Proceed Ever More Boldly Against Them!! -from book six of Virgil's Aeneid
Everything Within The Universe Is Related; We Are All Cousins!!
A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked what the charges were.
£300 for three questions.
'Isn't that a bit steep?' asked the man.
'Yes' said the lawyer, and what is your third question?
My teacher asked what my favourite animal was and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favourite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too...especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favourite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now.
What do you expect?
We go to school where we can learn to communicate in a social environment, but the first thing the teachers tell us is to sit down and be quiet!
At a fun party with lots of popular people, one guy was getting in a bad mood. Why? Well, he's a doctor and every time he is chatting with some people and they learn of this fact, always every time they start talking about their health issues. And then about the health issues of their friends and inevitably about the health issues of their older relatives.
And nothing gets a man down as listening to beautiful sexy twin sisters arguing over the colour of their dear aunts ... well nevermind. If you're not a doctor, you couldn't even know these things could get those colours.
Luckily he was not all alone, and he complained to a friend about this. His friend, emphatically, told him:
"Hey, I've been a lawyer for as long as I can remember, so don't think you're alone in this. At parties I always got all legal questions people have. But I've found the solution. I'm very friendly, I listen to them, and give them the best professional advice all my years as a lawyer can give them. And the next day I send them a bill for consultation. I haven't had a legal question in ages."
The next day, the doctor got a bill.Can't tell an OS by it's GUI
A friend who is a doctor says he used to get the same thing, then a colleague told him the secret. Now everytime someone starts asking for advice he tells them "I can't tell anything without an examination, so if you would take of all your clothes and lay down on the table I'll be happy to give you an opinion."Registered Linux user #526930