jokes / funny stuff thread 2011

[cousinlucky]

Another Gem, Roky!! Happy New Year To You And All LF Members!!

[nujinini]

Unlucky Lou was standing on the railing of a high bridge gathering the courage to end it all. Times were tough and he was homeless.

He looks down and sees on the river bank a little guy with no arms dancing like there is no tomorrow.
"Maybe life isn't so bad after all", Unlucky Lou thought to himself.

So he climbed off the bridge and walked down to the river bank to thank the diminutive man for saving his life.

"I owe ya", he said. "I was gonna jump off that bridge and kill myself but when I saw you down here dancing, even though you have no arms, I changed my mind".

"I aint dancing", replied the armless man bitterly. "My ass itches and I can't scratch it.

Happy New Years and Happy Trails, Rok

Now I wonder. How do they scratch itchy body parts

[rokytnji]

My last one for the year. A oldy but goody

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man, and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: Number one, there's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. Number two, it chatters constantly at high speeds. Number three, most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. Number four, the intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And finally, the maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[Rubberman]

A great ending to the year Roky! And thanks for all the fish! Hope your New Year is smooth, prosperous, and full of laughs, not to mention good rides (of all kinds)!

-Rubberman

[nujinini]

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months.
He walks to work 20 blocks every day
And passes a shoe store.


Each day he stops and looks in the window
To admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...
it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price
Of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.



Every Friday night the Italian community
Holds a dance in the church basement.

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear
His new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and
As they dance he asks her,


'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight,
But how do you know?'
Gennaro answers,
'I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes.
How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance,
And after a few minutes he asks,
' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do,
But how do you know that?'
He replies,
'I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes.
How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over
And the last song is being played,
Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.


Midway through the dance his face
Turns red.
He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart,
Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight,
Please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'
Gennaro gasps,


'Thanka God ....
I thought I had a CRACK in my
$300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

[MikeTbob]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,
Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.
But what does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment.
“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”