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- 04-12-2011 #41
- Join Date
- Mar 2011
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said , "Things are great and I've never felt better."
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.
"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."
One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went "bang, bang."
"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said , "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied , "My point exactly."
- 04-12-2011 #42
- Join Date
- Mar 2011
Why Daddy Didn’t Come To Work…
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone # and was greeted with a child’s whisper
Is your daddy home? he asked.
“Yes.” whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?
The child whispered, “no.”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your mommy there?”
May I talk with her?
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the asked, “Is anybody else there?”
“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman !!”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy.” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to daddy and mommy and the fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A helicopter.” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed.”
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle……..
Two Women Meet In Heaven…
1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.
2nd woman: Hi! I’m Sylvia. How’d you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds… I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive.
- 04-12-2011 #43
- 04-12-2011 #44
- 04-12-2011 #45
- 04-13-2011 #46
Three men died and stood in front of God. God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife.
He admitted to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.
The second man admitted to only one affair and was given a mid-size car.
The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died.
God praised him and gave him a big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving the luxury car began to cry.
The other two asked "What's the matter?"
He said "I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"
- 04-13-2011 #47
- Join Date
- Apr 2009
- I can be found either 40 miles west of Chicago, or in a galaxy far, far away.
Here's a limerick that I read in Playboy back in the 1960's. It is still good today, IMO.
There was a young maid from Madras
Who had quite a magnificent ass!
It wasn't pretty and pink as you probably think.
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass!Sometimes, real fast is almost as good as real time.
Just remember, Semper Gumbi - always be flexible!
- 04-13-2011 #48
- 04-13-2011 #49
Health Tip: USA only
If you can't afford Healthcare or a Doctor.
Go to the Airport.
You'll get a free Xray and Breast Exam.
For a free colonoscopy. Just tell em Al Qaeda sent ya.
- 04-13-2011 #50PCLinuxOS Gnome and PCLinuxOS Mate
Linux user # 414321
You Should Not Give In To Evils, But Proceed Ever More Boldly Against Them!! -from book six of Virgil's Aeneid
Everything Within The Universe Is Related; We Are All Cousins!!