Jokes/Funny Stuff thread 2012

[rokytnji]

Question from Windows User:

What happens when you delete your recycle bin?
BQ: What happens if you delete something after that.

Best Answer:

Windows won't allow you to do that because after you delete your recycle bin, it goes into itself and if you empty the recycle bin it goes into a Infinite delete loop that causes your CPU to overload and overheat creating a mini-black hole. This mini-black hole then creates a doorway into the past that part of you computer travels into and arrives just before you deleted the recycle bin and instantly blocks the command to delete your recycle bin and ta-da, nothing happens! It happens so fast and so often, 99.99% of humans don't even know it is happening. Its kinda like dividing by zero. Don't even get me started on where that will take you! The only person who has been able to successfully delete the recycle bin is Chuck Norris. And that was only because his round house went so fast it traveled back in time and killed all the dinosaurs!

[cousinlucky]

Ah, that tough Chuck Norris!!

[rokytnji]

Customer says: "Did you find the problem with my computer?"

Tech Support says: "I found a fried chip in your keyboard."

Customer says: "Micro?"

Tech support says: "No. Potato."

[Rubberman]

Customer says: "Did you find the problem with my computer?"

Tech Support says: "I found a fried chip in your keyboard."

Customer says: "Micro?"

Tech support says: "No. Potato."

It was sitting right there, next to the dust bunnies!

[MikeTbob]

Ah, that tough Chuck Norris!!

Friggin' Chuck Norris, he's everywhere!!



Outer Space Exists... Because it's afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

[arespi]

I found this looking to improve my pronunciation, but wow!, it gave me a headache:

English Pronunciation | The Poke:

If you can pronounce correctly every word in this poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world.

After trying the verses, a Frenchman said he’d prefer six months of hard labor to reading six lines aloud.
"English Pronunciation" by G. Nolst Trenité

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak; Cloven, oven, how and low, Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.
Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.
Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Fe0ffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.
Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.
Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.
Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation (think of Psyche!)
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight, Housewife, verdict and indict.
Finally, which rhymes with enough,
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

[elija]

Awesome. Just awesome!

[Rubberman]

Well, as we all know, time flies like an arrow, and fruit flies like a banana!

[cousinlucky]

Terpsichore?
Balmoral?
Melpomene?

I need my Webster!

[Rubberman]

Terpsichore - pronounced terp-sick-or-ee - the accent is on the sick.
Balmoral - the last syllable is accented and is pronounced like the name Al, as in ball-more-Al
Melpomene - like terpsichore, the accent is on the second syllable, and the last syllable is also like terpsichore, ee - as in mel-poe-men-ee

And for our next English lesson, we will learn how to pronounce pronunciation...

FWIW, at one time in my student life, I was an English and creative writing major. But then, I never did let school get in the way of my education!