Jokes/Funny Stuff thread 2012

[MikeTbob]

Hi everyone, If you have jokes post them here. Try to keep in mind that this is a family oriented website and to keep it clean. Joke on, everyone!
Last years page can be found here and has been closed.
http://www.linuxforums.org/forum/cof...ad-2011-a.html

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

[arespi]

A pretty blonde walks into a car repair shop:
- I need a new 710 cap, it fell of my car's
- A what ? said the mechanic.
- A 710 cap, it is in my car motor.
- I never hear of such a thing, did you bring your car?
-no , but is a Ford like the one over there.
- Ok lets check it up.

They both walk over there, open the car's hood and the blonde says , see, this is the 710 cap.
- Ooooh , you mean an OIL cap (seen upside down).

[cousinlucky]

That reminds me of a woman I dated many years ago who never knew she had to change the oil in her car!!

[MikeTbob]

That reminds me of a woman I dated many years ago who never knew she had to change the oil in her car!!

D'oH!
A long time ago one of my personal friends who is female, called me to ask me how much Milk to put in her Tuna Salad. I said MILK!?! There's no Milk in Tuna Salad. She then asked, well then what's that white stuff in the Tuna Salad? I said girl, that's mayonnaise.

[arespi]

You are so ugly that:
-when you were born instead of slapping you, the doctor slapped your momma.
-when you go camping coyotes make bonfires so you dont go near.
-when you enter an Ugly contest they didnt let you in, they didnt accept profesionals.
-when you were born the doctor said: If it flys it is a bat.
-if you'd want to be a prostitute you would die as a virgin.
-you make onions cry.
-you send your photo in an email it is detected by the antivirus.
-you tell your dad I love you, he replied, Well, I kinda like you too.
-you learned to walk at 3 weeks old. None would come near your crib.
-when you were born the doctor said: if it doesnt cry, then it is a tumor.
-when you suck a lemmon, it cringes.
-when you were born, you had an I.O.U from God.
-you parents tied a pork chop to your neck so the dog would play with you.
-you went to see a Momias de Guanajuato exhibit, the guards didnt want to let you go.

[rokytnji]

A Greybeard bro of mine dragged his butt out of the rocking chair and pulled up his overalls when his ol lady asked him, "And where in the hell are you off to, old man!"

"Down to the doctor!", he replied sharply. "Are ya sick!", she replied concerned.
"Nope", he said contritely, misunderstanding her original query. "I'm gonna get me some of them new Viagra Pills!", with a leering smile.

Hearing that. His equally elderly ol lady got out of her own rocking chair and proceeded to put on a sweater.
"So, where are you headed, woman?" He asked.
"I'm headed for the doctor too!" She said.

"What the hell for?" He asks.
She told her old man matter-of-factly, "If you are about to use that rusty old thing again. Then I am going to get me a tetanus shot!"

The things we do for love.

Best I could do to keep it clean TBob

[MikeTbob]

LOL, it's all good.

[rokytnji]

The next day after everything was sorted

post-199-0-77932100-1325816093.jpg

[jayd512]

The next day after everything was sorted

post-199-0-77932100-1325816093.jpg

LMAO!!!

[MikeTbob]

The next day after everything was sorted

post-199-0-77932100-1325816093.jpg

HAHA, good one.