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  1. #1
    Linux Enthusiast cousinlucky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    New York City

    How To Be A Staten Island Driver!!

    So listen up. We donít want to have to repeat this. Here are the rules on how to be a Staten Island driver:

    Never signal. Ever. Signaling a turn is a tip-off to other drivers that they donít deserve. Besides, you only have two hands: one for holding the steering wheel, and one to use your iPhone to call, text, tweet, and update your Facebook status with something that will ultimately destroy your career.

    Braking is a sign of weakness. If another driver forces you to brake, he insults you. You must retaliate.

    If you are on a main thoroughfare and you see someone trying to pull in from a side street, by all means speed up, even if that means you have to exceed the speed limit to prevent that other driver from getting in front of you. The same goes for on-ramps on the expressways. If you happen to be stuck in the right lane (though what youíre doing there we canít imagine) and you see cars pulling on from a highway entrance ramp, accelerate rapidly so they canít. Better to force them off the road than allow them to get ahead of you.

    It is a grave loss of face to be behind other cars at a traffic light. In order to avoid this, move into the right lane, even if it is not an actual driving lane, to pass everyone when the light changes. To do this with added style, creep into the intersection well before the light changes, forcing cars on the cross street to swerve around you. This establishes you as a true lion of the roadway.

    Red lights are optional. Stop if youíre in a mellow mood. Otherwise, lean on your horn to warn off cross traffic and barrel through at high speed. Similarly, stop signs are meaningless. Only wimps bother to stop for them.

    Speed limits donít apply to you.

    Yield signs, Left Turn Only signs, No Parking signs, and all other nuisance driving restrictions apply to everyone else, not to you. Obeying them is another sign of weakness. The double-yellow center line? Consider it a rough guide.

    When it rains, consider all traffic rules suspended. When it snows, even a few flurries, drive as if you are fleeing incoming mortar rounds, especially if you have one of those four-wheel drive vehicles they show climbing Pikeís Peak in a blizzard in the TV ads.

    Tailgating should be done regularly and aggressively. Even if a car ahead of you is going 10 or 15 mph over the speed limit, itís important that you keep your vehicle in a position no more than three feet from his back bumper. On highways, itís excellent form to repeatedly flash your high beams so as to frighten other drivers out of your way. After all, itís your highway.

    When making a left turn through oncoming traffic, be sure not to come to a complete stop and wait for the traffic to pass. Instead, allow your car to drift into the oncoming lane, thereby forcing other drivers to either give way or drive around.

    When driving to a store or other public place, be sure to double-park directly in front of the store you intend to patronize, even if there are legal parking places farther up the block. At a shopping mall, park in the fire lane. Youíre somebody. Why should you have to walk 50 feet and risk burning all-important fat cells?

    When driving on a road or highway with several lanes, never stay in the same lane for more than 10 or 15 seconds. Switch back and forth, lane to lane, to pass as many other cars as possible. Not only is this a magnificent demonstration of your brilliant driving skills, but it will trim precious seconds off your arrival time.

    When you put your emergency flashers on, you automatically have the right to do anything you want to do - park on sidewalks, run red lights, speed, etc.

    In making a turn, be sure to swerve out to the center of the street before you turn so as not to have to work too hard in pulling the wheel around the corner. Better to force other drivers to stop short, or pull into oncoming traffic than to risk brushing your tires on the curb.

    Remember, if you get into an accident, itís always someone elseís fault. Yell and scream loudly about it. Make threats. This will make you feel good despite the damage. Later, in recounting your version of the accident scene to friends and family, you will appear to have handled it masterfully. (ďAnd I says to him, I says . . . !Ē)

    When you get a traffic ticket, realize that the cop who gave you the ticket had it in for you all along and should have been out tracking the real criminals. Have your whole family complain about the obvious vendetta.

    And finally, remember, itís everyone elseís fault that you pay those high insurance premiums. Complain about them loud and long.

    Theyíre simple rules and theyíve been with us for a long time, but there are still too many drivers out there who are not following them, preferring to be so-called ďcarefulĒ and ďcourteousĒ on the roads.

    People who drive like theyíre not in a war just ruin it for the rest of us.
    PCLinuxOS Gnome and PCLinuxOS Mate
    Linux user # 414321
    You Should Not Give In To Evils, But Proceed Ever More Boldly Against Them!! -from book six of Virgil's Aeneid
    Everything Within The Universe Is Related; We Are All Cousins!!

  2. #2
    Penguin of trust elija's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2004
    Either at home or at work or down the pub
    Ah Lucky that's awesome but not only on Staten Island!
    Should you be sitting wondering,
    Which Batman is the best,
    There's only one true answer my friend,
    It's Adam Bloody West!

    The Fifth Continent

  3. #3
    This thread made me grin because it almost fits the joke thread criteria. Isn't overcrowding just wonderful.

    Nice post Cuz. I won't be riding my scooters on the East Coast if I can help it. The wild west fits my driving style.
    I refuse to let fear and fear of others rule my life. It puts my humanity at risk.
    Accepting Death is the only way to stay alive.

  4. $spacer_open
  5. #4
    Linux Engineer hazel's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Harrow, UK
    Every country has its equivalent of Staten Island. In Israel, it's Tel Aviv. Tel Aviv drivers are notorious for rude, aggressive driving. I was being driven around Jerusalem once by a cousin, when a car cut in front of us. My cousin leaned out of the window and shouted something in Hebrew. When I asked him what he had said, he answered, "I told him: 'you're not in Tel Aviv now!'".
    "I'm just a little old lady; don't try to dazzle me with jargon!"

  6. #5
    Linux Newbie mactruck's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2012
    City of Salt
    haha, my dad will enjoy this.


  7. #6
    Administrator jayd512's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    That's great, Lucky!

    New users, read this first.
    New Member FAQ
    Registered Linux User #463940
    I do not respond to private messages asking for Linux help. Please keep it on the public boards.

  8. #7
    Just Joined!
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Santa Cruz, California
    As a San Francisco native, that sounds like my impression of L.A. drivers, especially Long Beach drivers.

  9. #8
    Many years ago when I drove tractor trailer I had the pleasure of driving on the Long Island Expressway.
    The entrance ramp to the L.I.E. from Bay Shore brought you into the left lane and of course they had huge signs saying trucks were prohibited in the left lane.
    So I put on the turn signal to get into the right hand lane. No one would back off and almost everyone was blowing their horn at me and tossing the finger as they passed me on the right side.

    So I decided to show them a bit of crazed out of state truck driving.
    I left my right turn signal on and started to swerve my trailer back and forth all the while creeping to the right side and blowing my air horn.
    Seemed to work as I heard brakes being slammed on and amazingly the right lane was now clear for me to get over fully.

    Once I was in the right lane and those cars passed me, I would blow the horn and let them know they were number 1.

    Hated driving in New York especially when I had the 48 foot long by 102 inch wide trailers.
    Swear I missed hitting cars by an inch while navigating the crowded streets.
    Don't know how you can do it Cousin!

  10. #9
    Linux Enthusiast cousinlucky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    New York City
    Taz, I Don't!! I moved to Staten Island in 1997 from Boston, where I thought the world's worst drivers were.
    However New York drivers are just plain " Stuck On Stupid "!! They drive around drunk, stoned on pills, without a license or car insurance as if " The Force " is supposed to be driving their vehicles for them. After a few whiz-bang idiot accidents I refused to renew my New York driver's license. I was in a cab with my cousin a few years ago in Manhattan and our cab driver and another cab driver engaged in " bumper cars " along Sixth Avenue switching lanes and both cabs had fares. It's crazy here and you have to be here a while before it actually sinks in just how " loony tunes " the drivers are around here!!
    PCLinuxOS Gnome and PCLinuxOS Mate
    Linux user # 414321
    You Should Not Give In To Evils, But Proceed Ever More Boldly Against Them!! -from book six of Virgil's Aeneid
    Everything Within The Universe Is Related; We Are All Cousins!!

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