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- 07-28-2013 #111
- 07-29-2013 #112
- 08-01-2013 #113
I would guess the snake didn't like her Tongue slithering action.
That was great.
- 08-01-2013 #114
A woman went to a pet shop and
immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and
sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
- 08-01-2013 #115
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,
but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married,
so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,
"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love
and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,
Mr. Smith replies,
"Well Bruce, you are only 10..
Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it,
"In Jenny's room.
It's bigger than mine
and we can both fit there nicely."
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay, then how will you live?
You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,
Jenny makes five bucks a week
and I make 10 bucks a week.
That's about 60 bucks a month,
so that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed
Bruce has put so much thought into this.
it seems like you have everything figured out.
I just have one more question.
What will you do if the two of you should have
of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,
"Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sh** is adorable.
- 08-09-2013 #116
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
- 08-12-2013 #117
- Join Date
- May 2011
not exactly a joke, but...this is an Open Source rap done to the tune of DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince's Parents Just Don't Understand. Read all about it here.
For your sing-along convenience (so that you too may entertain your co-workers), here's an instrumental version of the song:
and here's the full text of the OS Rap:
Kids, this is the story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became the princess of free software.
With B.S.D. born and raised In the command line
where I spent most of my days
Chilling out, hackin', crackin' all cool
And all writing' some FORTRAN outside of the school
When a couple of businessmen, they were up to no good
Started closin' sources in my neighborhood
but all those sources were supposed to be shared!
So I said "I'm gonna be an activist for free software!"
I started forums on the net and when the nerds came near
'Said my ideas were fresh and so we set up a mirror
If anything I seeded thousands of files zipped .rar
And we shared, and we seeded—it's free software!
I got me some servers—about seven or eight
And I yelled to Microsoft "Yo, homes smell you later!"
Looked at my kingdom I was finally there
To sit on my throne as the princess of free software.
- 08-13-2013 #118
- 08-13-2013 #119
I was riding my scooter when I saw this drop dead, built like a brick outhouse, gorgeous woman getting ready to jump off a bridge. I am telling you, I was looking at Jessica Alba.
I screeched to a halt and jumped off my scooter and ran to the woman.
She yells, "Stay away, I wanna kill myself!"
I tell her, "“Why would you do that? You have plenty to live for.”
She says, “Like what? No one loves me, no one understands me, so why not just end it all?”
So I say, “Well, before someone loves you, they have to get to know you. For them to get to know you, you have to open up and share your feelings. Maybe you should try that. Try it now. Talk to me. I’ll listen to you.”
She replies, “That is the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said! Someone DOES care! I think you’ve given me hope!”
Before I know it, I am met with the longest, most sensuous kiss , and another, and another.
I say, " You are something else. Why on earth would someone like you want to commit suicide like that?”
She replies, "“My family won’t accept me dressing up like a girl……”
- 08-17-2013 #120
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp
h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.