Results 121 to 130 of 158
Enjoy an ad free experience by logging in. Not a member yet? Register.
- 08-19-2013 #121
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
"Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
"Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
"Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.
- 08-19-2013 #122
Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Detroit,
when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking,
moaning in fear.
"What's the matter?" Bob asked.
"I've been transferred to Detroit - I've heard the people are crazy there.
They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools,
and the highest crime rate in the nation."
Bob replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says.
Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business,
and enroll your kids in a nice private school.
It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you.
I've been worried to death.
But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it.
What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
- 08-21-2013 #123
Girl says: “Dad, I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Ghana and he lives in the UK. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on WHATSAPP.
He proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had a 2 month relationship through VIBER.
I need your blessings and good wishes, Daddy”
Dad replies: “Wow! Really!! then get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on E-bay, send them thru GMAIL and when you get fed up with your husband, sell him on Amazon!
- 08-21-2013 #124
Speaking of Detroit reminded me of this oldie, but goodie.
"Detroit Lions" joke
Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team for' 99. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window a good 200 yards away - ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers over 100 yards away - ka-blooey! Then a car passes, going around 90 miles per hour - bulls-eye! Right into it.
"I've got to get this guy", Ross said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history. The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
"Mom", he says into the receiver, " I just won'the Super Bowl".
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us. You're not my son".
"I don't think you understand, Mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten and came within an inch of losing their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped...in broad daylight!"
The old lady pauses, in tears, "...I'll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."
- 08-23-2013 #125
- 08-27-2013 #126
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants
and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why
they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest
of the game, all they kept screaming was.
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
- 08-29-2013 #127
Finally A Picture Of The Pot At The End Of The Rainbow!!
I got this my inbox today. I hope it displays correctly.
image.jpgAntiX 12 and PCLinuxOS gnome
Linux user # 414321
You Should Not Give In To Evils, But Proceed Ever More Boldly Against Them!! -from book six of Virgil's Aeneid
Everything Within The Universe Is Related; We Are All Cousins!!
- 08-29-2013 #128
- 08-29-2013 #129
- 08-29-2013 #130
On Monday I happened to need to do some grocery shopping. I came out of the local Grocery Store and there were two twins - apparently local high school girls - they were wearing running shorts and tank tops, each drinking bottled water, trying to recover from a rather hot and humid day for late August.
We chatted a while, then they asked if perhaps I could give them a lift back to the high school. Sure, it was actually on my way. One got in the front seat, the other in the back of my 4 door Nissan PU Truck. I buckled up, but hadn't even turned the key when the one in the front lifted her top. My eyeballs locked on! So much so that I hardly noticed that the one in the back seat had lifted my wallet. They opened the doors and ran. I chased, but those girls are young and fast. Fortunately they just took the cash and dropped the wallet with its credit cards, license etc..
The same thing happened again on Tuesday!
My mistake was telling my neighbour about it. On Wednesday I found him outside of La Tienda, holding two unopened bottles of water.