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Thread: Jokes/Funny Stuff thread (2013)
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- Join Date
- May 2011
From the 2013 Darwin Awards
27 February 2012, North Carolina) "It was just a freak incident," said an investigator, that caused the death of 43-year-old Gary Allen Banning. Gary was at a friend's apartment when he spotted a salsa jar containing a mystery fluid. Thinking that it was an alcoholic beverage, he helped himself to a sizeable swig of gasoline! Naturally enough, he immediately spit out the offending liquid onto his clothes. Then, to recover from the shock, Gary lit a cigarette.
Firefighters responded to calls reporting a fire in the apartment, and found a badly burned man sitting on a charred carpet. The following morning, Gasoline Gary died at the UNC Burn Center in Chapel Hill.
Two mistakes caused his death. The first mistake was minor: gulping a golden liquid from a salsa jar. Although Darwin Awards editors feel that a jar of yellow liquid is best left sealed, drinking its contents usually does not lead to combustion. But the second mistake--lighting up a cigarette to recover from the shock of taking a mouthful of gasoline--was a decision that an average five year old would consider questionable. As the late Bill Hicks said, "Darn, we lost another idiot."
Gary's friend was a mechanic and kept the jar of gasoline near the kitchen sink to remove grease from his hands.Registered Linux user #526930
You can't make this stuff up.
(Australia, December 2010) The East Alligator River in Australia's Northern Territory is crossed at Cahill's Crossing. The river also has two boat ramps, one upstream and one downstrean of Cahill's Crossing. Not long ago, a Euro tourist drove into the parking lot of the upstream launch area in her hired 4WD vehicle and, seeing a concrete ramp disappearing into the water, assumed that she had reached Cahill's Crossing. She gunned the engine and drove right into the water! As the vehicle began to sink into the crocodile-infested waters, she overcame her shock, extricated herself from the sinking 4WD, and managed to swim back to dry land before the reptiles had time to tie on their dinner bibs. It was a near miss for a foolish Miss!Registered Linux user #526930
hope this hasn't been posted yet...
A message from Betty
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!
- Join Date
- Jul 2008
Yeah, once I was talking to this English Biker and he asked me, "Don't you know the queens english?"
I said, "Yeah, I kinda heard, she was", I said.
"There, Their, They're, All of you ladies can come back to my place"
A Texan was visiting Oxford University, and was lost. He stopped a student and asked, "Do you know where I can get some grub at?"
"I sure do," replied the student, "But, you know, you're not supposed to end sentences with prepositions."
"Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an 'at', which you aren't supposed to do."
"Oh, ok," said the Texan, "Do you know where I can feed my pie hole at, a$$hole?"
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humor (NOT humour)!I refuse to let fear and fear of others rule my life. It puts my humanity at risk.
Accepting Death is the only way to stay alive.
This is a true story. A man was pulled over by a policeman in California because he was driving a car that had been reported stolen. He admitted that he had stolen the car, but said he needed it to get to court in time to be sentenced for a previous crime --- car theft!"I'm just a little old lady; don't try to dazzle me with jargon!"
Christina Sarich on laughter
“Nonsense wakes up the brain cells. And it helps develop a sense of humor, which is awfully important in this day and age. Humor has a tremendous place in this sordid world. It’s more than just a matter of laughing. If you can see things out of whack, then you can see how things can be in whack.” ~ Dr. Seuss
“It’s time to take humor seriously, and seriousness humorously.” -Swami Beyondananda
Surely, if children can deliver peels of laughter after hearing a soldier in worn-torn Afghanistan pass gas, it must serve some greater purpose.
“Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollars, we wouldn’t have any innocent bystanders.” ~ Chris Rock, comedian
“I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that **** out by myself in the third grade. ~ George Carlin, comedian
“A sense of humor – is a needed armor. Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that a person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.” ~ Hugh Sidey, journalist
“I’ve always though that a big laugh is a really loud noise from the soul saying, ain’t that the truth!” ~ Quincy Jones, musician
“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.” ~ Audrey Hepburn, actress
“If we couldn’t laugh we would all go insane.” ~ Robert Frost, authorPCLinuxOS Gnome and PCLinuxOS Mate
Linux user # 414321
You Should Not Give In To Evils, But Proceed Ever More Boldly Against Them!! -from book six of Virgil's Aeneid
Everything Within The Universe Is Related; We Are All Cousins!!