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A buddy of mine says he is still looking for the murderer of his ex wife. He says he has not found anyone yet to take the job though. State-of-the-art: ...
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  1. #11
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    A buddy of mine says he is still looking for the murderer of his ex wife.

    He says he has not found anyone yet to take the job though.

    State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.

    Obsolete: Any computer you own.

    Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

    Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

    Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.

    Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

    Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

    System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

    One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

    ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

    Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

    "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop whacking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
    jayd512 likes this.
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  2. #12
    Administrator MikeTbob's Avatar
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    System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
    Must be a Gentoo user. HAHA
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  3. #13
    Administrator MikeTbob's Avatar
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    Not a joke. Just funny.
    I am a delivery driver during the day.
    So today, I'm pulling up to a house with a delivery and I see the homeowner in her car coming down the driveway. She sees that her package has arrived! YAY, Her new cellphone is here!! By the time I get out of my package car, she is standing near the doorway of my truck. I handed her the DIAD board to sign, she takes it and starts signing it. I looked over her shoulder and saw her car rolling down the driveway into the street and I said "There goes your car". She said "What?!", turned around and started running after her car, still holding my DIAD board for dear life. LMFAO, apparently she didn't A. Turn the car off or B. Set the brake. C. Was wayyyy too happy about her cellphone arriving.
    That was epic funny even though I tried really hard not to laugh. The car was fine, it only hit the curb and darn near tossed her through the windshield when it bounced to a stop. =-)
    rokytnji and jayd512 like this.
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  4. #14
    Just Joined! Mo3u8se's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rokytnji View Post
    A buddy of mine says he is still looking for the murderer of his ex wife.

    He says he has not found anyone yet to take the job though.

    State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.

    Obsolete: Any computer you own.

    Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

    Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

    Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.

    Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

    Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

    System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

    One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

    ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

    Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

    "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop whacking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
    Haha so true.

  5. #15
    Administrator jayd512's Avatar
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    Not really a joke, but interesting!

    If you can read this message, then you have a strong mind.

    7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5, 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
    1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD!
    0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15. R3 P057 1F U C4N R35D 7H15!!!

    So, can you read it?


    Okay... now you guys can continue with the comedy.
    Jay

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  6. #16
    Linux Enthusiast cousinlucky's Avatar
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    I can read it Jay! Does it mean that I am senile??
    PCLinuxOS Gnome and PCLinuxOS Mate
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    You Should Not Give In To Evils, But Proceed Ever More Boldly Against Them!! -from book six of Virgil's Aeneid
    Everything Within The Universe Is Related; We Are All Cousins!!

  7. #17
    Linux Engineer MASONTX's Avatar
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    Y35 1 c4n. 50 wh47 d035 7h47 m34n?
    Registered Linux user #526930

  8. #18
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    Yep. This ged uneducated biker can read it.

    In our town after Lance Armstrong said he used steroids. The city manager changed Lance Armstrong Street to Deflated Cul-de-sac Street.

    H4PPY 7R41L5, ROK
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  9. #19
    Linux Guru rokytnji's Avatar
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    ShortnBearded likes this.
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  10. #20
    Just Joined! Peter D's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rokytnji View Post
    Thank roky, I've seen it before but it made me laugh again. Very funny,

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