Jokes/Funny Stuff thread (2013)

[rokytnji]

Computers are like air-conditioning. Neither work when you open Windows.

[rokytnji]

I woke up
I lifted my arms
I moved my neck
Everything made the same noise
Crrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaacccccckk


I came to a conclusion

I'm not OLD. I'm Crispy

[jayd512]

I woke up
I lifted my arms
I moved my neck
Everything made the same noise
Crrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaacccccckk


I came to a conclusion

I'm not OLD. I'm Crispy

Fair enough... My knee already sounds like a bowl of Rice Crispies most days...
Snap, Crackle, Pop... And that's before breakfast!

[Saint_El]

SEX @ 58

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 58!
I'm so happy, because I live at number 53b.....
So it's not far to walk home afterwards!

[kalaka]

tar.jpg

"I don't know what's worse--the fact that after 15 years of using tar I still can't keep the flags straight, or that after 15 years of technological advancement I'm still mucking with tar flags that were 15 years old when I started."

[MikeTbob]

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other. They were the first surgeries of the day.
Billy leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

Tommy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."

Billy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. It's a breeze. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-o."

Tommy asks, "What are you here for?"

Billy says, "Circumcision."

"Whoa!" Tommy replies, "Good luck, buddy. I had that done
when I was born and couldn't walk for a year."

[MikeTbob]

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked.... I didn't know what to do.... Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

[cousinlucky]

I laughed so hard at this I think I gave myself a hernia!!113.jpg

The link is here:
The White House Warns Against Photoshopping Obama but The Internet Can't Help Itself (17 Photos)

[Saint_El]

AIRCRAFT MAINTENANCE PROBLEMS - Has been around for a while, but I still Lol, when reading....
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, known as submitted by QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.

S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

**************************************************

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

[retired1af]

The sex between the girlfriend and me had been a bit unsatisfying of late, so she told me, "Go to the pharmacy and get some of those pills that will help you to get an erection."

You can imagine her reaction when I came back from the drug store and tossed her the diet pills!

......almost got me killed!