Results 71 to 80 of 158
Enjoy an ad free experience by logging in. Not a member yet? Register.
- 04-10-2013 #71
- 04-11-2013 #72
you left of the list t3 who complain they can't offer a solution until the poster gives the make, model and electrical specifications of the lamp, 4 to argue that it doesn't matter what model of lamp, but the specifications of the bulb are critical, 8 to debate the merits of various bulbs, and 1 who a year later comes back with an obvious solution.Registered Linux user #526930
- 04-11-2013 #73
- 04-11-2013 #74
- Join Date
- Jan 2013
- South Africa
Marrying an old guy
An old man marries a pretty young thing and takes her to a posh hotel for the honeymoon.
All the hotel staff have a bit of a chuckle, imagining the old guy coming to breakfast completely exhausted.
The next morning the couple come down to breakfast, but it's the young wife who looks exhausted and the old guy is chirpy as a teenager.
After two weeks of the same scene, a receptionist can't resist asking:
"You've been exhausted every day of your honeymoon.
We all thought your husband would be knackered, but he's fit as a fiddle."
says the young bride,
"When I married him he said he'd been saving up for this moment for 40 years. I thought the bastard meant f*ckin' money."
- 04-11-2013 #75AntiX 12 and PCLinuxOS gnome
Linux user # 414321
You Should Not Give In To Evils, But Proceed Ever More Boldly Against Them!! -from book six of Virgil's Aeneid
Everything Within The Universe Is Related; We Are All Cousins!!
- 04-13-2013 #76
- 04-17-2013 #77
what did baby corn said to mama corn??
where's pop corn? hahaha
- 04-19-2013 #78
Disorder in the American Courts
Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 18th.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.
Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Attorney: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.
Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget..
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
Attorney: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Attorney: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: He's 20, much like your IQ.
Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Are you shitting me?
Attorney: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: Getting laid
Attorney: She had three children , right?
Attorney: How many were boys?
Attorney: Were there any girls?
Witness: Your Honor, I think I need a different Attorney. Can I get a new Attorney?
Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death..
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?
Witness: Take a guess.
Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?
Witness: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your Attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Attorney: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: If not, he was by the time I finished.
Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Are you qualified to ask that question?
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
- 04-19-2013 #79
My favourite American court room quote:
Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
The wonderfully poetic, all time great mistranslation in to English from a brochure at a Tokyo car rental firm.
"When a passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage tootle him with vigor."
- 04-20-2013 #80
Reality is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
If the human brain was simple enough to be understood, we would be too simple to understand it
Non-survival is the odds of the least fit... but then lucky beats fit.