asian joke

[billz]

im half asian so i wont be offended by any and any way they make me lugh as well,lol

An insect falls into a mug of beer...
Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out
American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer
Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away
Indian : Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.
Pakistani : Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for Military aid, takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.

A gum-chewing indian and an pakistani are sitting together in a restaurant. The indian feels really proud to be a indian, so he starts a conversation. He asks the paki, "When you eat bread, do you eat all of it?"
"oh yes! of course!" responds the paki.
"Well," says the indian, "we only eat the soft part of it. The rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through a mill. What comes out are little breads that we sell in pakistan.'' "And what about Chicken?" he continues. "Do you eat all parts of them?" "oh yes! We do," replies the paki man.
"You don't say!" says the indian, grinning. "We don't! We only eat the meaty part of the chicken. The greasy part we collect in containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what comes out are little boneless pieces that we sell in pakistan."
Now the pakistani is really riled. So he asks, "And what do indians do with their used condoms?" "Hey, we throw them away of course," says the indian.
"Ha!" exclaims the Indian man. "We collect them in containers, take them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes out is chewing gum that we sell in india

lol soz if i offended any one(im pakistani)

heres a few computer jokes

A customer needed help setting up a new program, so the technician suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends" the man said. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting 'F1 F1' and nobody understood it.

You sort of have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on. For those who dont, you are too young anyway.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, Who's on First, might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT.

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. i'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one
ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT:Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT:Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT:The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in office for windows!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT:One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

[Nerderello]

I'M OFFENDED!
I'm an Englishman, born and bred, and there is NO WAY that any Englishman would throw perfectly good beer away!!!

Only joking.

have fun

Nerderello

[budman7]

billz, thank you very much for the Abbtt & Costello routine.
I thought it was absoulutely hilarious, I am a fan of of Bud & Lou.

[winter]

can we make catholic jokes...i kind of dont want to brake the P.c. laws when big brother is watching? As far as the law is concerned i can make catholic jokes and at a pinch i can make irish jokes, german jokes.

[Cabhan]

<3 Who's On First. And that was very good.

You did, however, forget the last line of that drinking one:

Irish: Picks the fly out of his beer, holds it over the glass, and yells "Spit it out, ya wee bastard!"

[AlexK]

As an indian, I enjoyed the 1st joke and the abbot routine was funny even though I am only vaguely aware of who they are.

[Vergil83]

An insect falls into a mug of beer...
Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out
American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer
Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away
Indian : Sells the beer to the American and insect to the Chinese and gets a new mug of beer.
Pakistani : Accuses the Indian for throwing insect into his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for Military aid, takes a loan from the American to buy one more mug of beer.

If I may add a few more in a similar un-pc vain...
Canadian: Throws the mug away and *****es about how watery american beer is.
Israeli: Accuses the insect of being put there by a Palestinian terrorist.
Palestinian: Accuses the insect of being put there by a zionist.
Saudi Arabian: Isn't allowed to consume alcoholic beverages.

[budman7]

As an indian, I enjoyed the 1st joke and the abbot routine was funny even though I am only vaguely aware of who they are.

Abbott & Costello
Who's on first
A couple of good links from Google.

[AlexK]

Abbott & Costello
Who's on first
A couple of good links from Google.

Thanks for those links budman7, I was wondering are all their routines based on double meanings of words as in the "whos on first one" hehe, I still can't stop laughing from that...

[budman7]

Not all of there routines, but quite a few of them are.
I didn't try to find the audio of "Who's on first".
But listening to it is even better than reading it.

Abbott & Costello put out quite a few movies. Quite a few of "Abbott & costello meet ***".
They are just hilarious. But I believe "Who's on first" is the most popular.