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I know these are long, but I just couldn't stop laughing.. it's good when you've been sitting at a comp for 12 hours and have made as much progress as ...
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  1. #1
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    Good for a Larf!


    I know these are long, but I just couldn't stop laughing.. it's good when you've been sitting at a comp for 12 hours and have made as much progress as your 2 year old mashing the keyboard with a rubber hammer.

    New Restaurant

    Last night, I went with some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around I saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
    When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
    "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired a consulting firm to revamp all our processes.
    After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
    As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
    I was impressed! I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
    Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
    "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant...
    That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the end of our "you know what", we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
    "Hhmmm...After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked.
    "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others... but I use the spoon."

    Headache

    A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches. After a thorough examination, the doctor
    turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches you've been experiencing. So the only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
    Jerry was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
    When he eventually left the hospital Jerry was pleasantly surprised at how good it felt not to have a
    headache for the first time in 20 years, but he also knew that he was missing an important part of himself.
    As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a fresh start and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought to himself a new suit would be the perfect thing to mark this new beginning.
    He entered the shop and told the salesman: "I'd like a new suit."
    The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said: "Let's see... size 44 long?"
    "That's right, how did you know?" said Jerry, laughing.
    "I've been in the business 60 years!" replied the tailor.
    Jerry tried on the suit and it fitted like a glove. As Jerry admired himself in the mirror, the salesman
    asked: "How about a new shirt?"
    Jerry thought for a moment and then agreed.
    The salesman eyed Jerry again.
    "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16-and-a-half neck?"
    Once again, Jerry was surprised.
    "That's right, how did you know?"
    "Like I said, I've been in the business 60 years!"
    So Jerry tried on the shirt, and it was a perfect fit. As Jerry adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked: "How about new shoes?" Jerry was on a roll and so thought, why not?
    So the salesman eyed Jerry's feet and said: "Let's see... you must be a size nine-and-a-half?"
    Jerry was astonished. "That's right, how did you know?"
    "Well, young fella, I've been in the business long enough to know these things!"
    Jerry tried on the shoes and they were also a remarkable fit. Jerry walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked: "So that only leaves the new underwear. How about it?"
    Jerry thought for a second and agreed.
    The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said: "Let's see... size 36."
    Jerry laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
    The salesman shook his head. "There's no way. I'm never wrong. You can't wear a size 34."
    "Oh yes I can," replied Jerry and have been most of my life.
    "I don't understand," said the tailor. "By my reckoning a 34 underwear would press your testicles up
    against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

    Plane Talk

    A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your
    fellow passenger."
    Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger. "What would you like to discuss?"
    "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
    "OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
    "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
    "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
    "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!t?"

  2. #2
    Linux Guru sarumont's Avatar
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    Those are all great.
    "Time is an illusion. Lunchtime, doubly so."
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