A Biker bro of mine was real lonely amd feeling down, so he called a psychic hotline to see what his love life held for him in the future.
His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
My Bro is jazzed and grinning and asks, "This is great! Where will I meet her, hitchhiking,at a bar, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "On a forensic table."
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning
briefing of his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish
brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work.
A Captain said it was 50%-50%.
A lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of
pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion.
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers
would have me doing it for them."
The room fell silent.
Christmas has passed, so this is a little late. But it took me forever to find this... a 'classic' from when I was a teenager.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
Da whole house was mellow,
Not a creature was stirrin’,
I had a gun unda my pillow.
When up on da roof’
I heard somethin’ pound,
I sprung to da window,
To scream, “YO! Keep it down!”
When what to my
Wanderin’ eyes should appear,
But dat hairy elf Vinny,
And eight friggin’ reindeer.
Wit’ a bad hackin’ cough,
And da stencha burped beer,
I knew in a moment
Yo, da Kringle wuz here!
Wit’ a slap to dere snouts,
And a yank on dere manes,
He cursed and he shouted,
And he called dem by name.
“Yo Tony, Yo Frankie,
Yo Sally, Yo Vito,
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie,
Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!”
As I drew out my gun
And hid by da bed,
Down came his boot
On da top a my head.
His eyes were all bloodshot,
His b.o. wuz scary,
His breath wuz like sewage,
He had a mole dat wuz hairy.
He spit in my eye,
And he twisted my head,
He soon let me know
I should consider myself dead.
Den pointin’ a fat finga
Right unda my nose,
He let out some gas,
And up da chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh,
And away dey all flew,
Before he troo dem a beatin’.
But I heard him exclaim,
Or better yet grump,
“Merry Christmas to all, and
Bite me, ya hump!”
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door.... I rushed to open it.
She looks at me, and says,
"I just got home, and I am so horny! I
have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk,
and make love all night long!
Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied,
"Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said,
"Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"
Originally Posted by MikeTbob
An elderly couple was sitting at the table one night, worrying about the bills. Almost broke, they knew they had few options.
The husband looked mournfully at his wife: "I'm sorry, honey... but we have nothing. You might have to go out tonight and hustle."
"Hustle!?!" said the wife.
Husband:"Yes... I'm sorry, but that's the only way that we might make it."
The old woman made herself up as well as she could, and she went out on the streets.
The next morning, she came home, tired and worn out.
Her husband loved her, and asked:"How did you do? Did you make any money?"
"Yes,"she said... "$3.05."
"Three dollars and five cents!?! Who gave you the nickle??"
Hi guys !! Happy New Year !
Started a new, Jokes and Funny stuff thread 2013 thread here. :)